The Hole

I decided to start a new blog today; its been on my mind for a while that I need an outlet for the things that bother my too-busy mind.

Since the pandemic started, I find that I've retreated further and further into myself; isolation seems to breed more isolation. Depression, I guess, is what's that called.

What bothers me a lot right now is that, at the age of 55, I find myself unmoored. I have few friends, I have no love interest -- my last attempt at love failed miserably, and that was definitely not something I had anticipated at this advanced age. Its not just a bummer, it feels like -- a complete failure. Of character, of judgement. I had committed myself to that relationship, and I was going all in. And then -- crash! boom! bam! Everything fell apart just as the pandemic was getting started.

I feel now like I just wasn't equipped to handle what was coming at me.

At the same time, my dog died, my father had just passed, my relationship with the rest of my family took a real downturn.

Now I feel like I've been set adrift. I wander aimlessly back and forth between goals that I never seem to make any progress towards. I buy things in an effort to start projects, that never get finished. This was a big part of why my last big project, rehabbing my last house, also crashed and burned. I got pretty far down the road of the rehab, and at some point I found myself running into problem after problem after problem, and I just gave up, sold the house, moved on.

Now, in my new-to-me house, an old house that needs maintenance, I'm terrified of making the same mistakes again. I'm just completely stuck. The house is filling up with the effluvia of my endless attempts to start things to at least finish something -- and my house is beginning to take on the characteristics of a hoarder. Ugh! Not what I want.

So... today's emotional weather report is -- cloudy. Storm on the horizon.

Is this part of my Aspie-ness? I can't tell.

I'm contemplating setting a goal, pursuing it to the exclusion of everything else, just to get something done. Make a list of everything that needs doing, pick one thing, put everything else on hold until I get that thing done, finish it, move to the next item.

That seems at least like a way out of the hole.